So I wasn’t born in to a church or anything. My mom was big on church, she was raised in a baptist church, but my father wasn’t. He was a catholic but didn’t really go to church or anything. I think I remember one time I went to a catholic church. I was about five and it was near Easter. After that though, I don’t recall going back to church until I was about 12 years old and after my parents had gotten a divorce. Our neighbor pulled us into this one small church and since then I’ve been attending.
So skip a few years, and my freshmen year of high school is over. A girl in my youth group, named Amy, started talking to me about CIY and convinced me to go. So that was my first year. It really pulled me in and got me more involved with the youth group. It was then that I really and truly felt like part of the church.
Well, things were tight my sophomore year. My house was falling apart and we couldn’t pay our mortgage. That year my grades were really bad and I found myself feeling really bitter towards God. I found myself thinking “Why are You doing this to us God?” and I started to blame God for the troubles in my life.
I would go to church and just be so hateful towards Him. I wouldn’t stand up to worship Him, I wouldn’t worship Him at all. Truthfully, I hated Him at that time, and I thought that He hated me.
I just couldn’t understand why my life was so messed up then. I would think “If You’re God then why aren’t You helping me and my mother?”
Well we ended up having to move in to an apartment, and giving up one of our dogs because they wouldn’t let us keep both of them. I began to hate God even more.
Well CIY 2010 came up, and I went cause I just wanted to hang out with my friends and get away from the troubles of home.
However, the entire week something was weighing on my heart. I had the song “Blue Sky” by Francesca Battistelli stuck in my head.
“When you’re down and you’re out and you don’t think you have a friend, when you’re lost in the doubt, and you can’t see what’s around the bend. Just hold on, don’t turn around, keep on walking, don’t lose heart, cause I am here, I am here, wherever you are.”
Those were the lyrics that would just not leave my head no matter how hard I tried to get them out.
Looking back at that now, I know it was God telling me that He was there every single moment that I was hateful, doubtful and hurting. Our God is truly an awesome God.
Anyhoo, by the end of the CIY week, I was wrestling with myself and God. I kept telling Him “No, I’m not turning back to You. You’re the One who’s making my life difficult.”
I don’t remember the lesson that night. All I remember is realising how much God loves me. I realised that He loves me a lot. I felt really guilty then for hating God and acting the way that I did, but then realising how He would forgive me, pushed me over the edge. I began to cry.
When they asked for people who wanted to give their life to Christ to stand up, I did. I realised that I couldn’t-I can’t- live my life without Him in it. I knew then that He didn’t hate me and that He still loved me, even after everything that I did and felt towards Him!
I knew then that everything happened for a reason and God was just looking out for my mother and I.
Now we live in a apartment that we can afford. We don’t have to worry about our house falling apart and not being able to fix it. We have more money to spend on things that we really need. God was watching out for us so now we don’t have to worry as much as we did and our lives are a little bit less stressful.
Praise the Lord.
